Sheryl Sandberg, China & Me Read online

  Sheryl

  Sandberg,

  China

  & Me

  An ordinary woman moves her family to China for her career, watches her career implode, and with it, her life – or so she thought.

  J.T. Gilhool

  a division of Pink Streak Ink

  www.pinkstreakink.us

  www.facebook.com/JenniferGilhoolInk

  Copyright ©2013 by Pink Streak Ink, Inc. (second printing)

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission.

  Variations between the original blog posts and the published versions herein are due to editing for clarity and comprehension in book format. The events depicted are based on the author’s actual experiences and are recounted from the author’s perspective. All locations, dates and people are real; names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. The “Salt Mine” is not the real name of any company known to the author and is used to represent a real corporation.

  Cover Illustration: Randa Mansour

  Publisher: JG_ink

  Editor: Lisa Wilder

  Photos courtesy Fife’s Photography

  Praise for Sheryl Sandberg, China & Me

  “Jennifer Gilhool doesn’t just talk conceptually about the challenges women face in the corporate world. She lets the reader into her mind, heart and home as she seeks success in a world that too often fails to value women’s contributions. Jennifer finds a new sense of self that is energizing and inspirational!”

  Janet Hanson

  Founder 85 Broads Unlimted, LLC, and former Managing Director Lehman Brothers

  “Through her first-hand account of journeying into corporate leadership, Jennifer Gilhool gives readers a unique look into the hearts and minds of many ambitious career women who sacrifice more than they care to admit in hopes of fulfilling career goals that too often remain out of reach. It’s an inspiring story.”

  Gail Evans

  Best-selling author of Play Like A Man, Win Like A Woman, CNN Executive Vice President (retired), Former Member of President Johnson’s White House Staff, Office of the Special Counsel

  “I’m a big Jennifer Gilhool fan – in part because Jennifer’s life and career are proof that real growth happens when we risk and make ourselves uncomfortable. Her professional and personal experiences are woven together with humor, grit, and honesty, all of which make for fascinating reading. Regardless of your level, you’ll be glad you read this helpful, reassuring book of life lessons.”

  Selena Rezvani

  Author of PUSHBACK: How Women Ask—And Stand Up— For What They Want and columnist for The Washington Post

  “Lean In’s Sheryl Sandberg has nothing on this woman! What a delight to read the real heart and soul of a woman warrior in a leadership role. This is a can’t-put-it-down book for a great summer read – an entrée into a woman’s family room, kitchen counter and a fly on the wall in the boardroom all at once. Jennifer is the hero in her own story – but so are her family, colleagues and friends. This is about humor, satire, revenge, ego AND family. This real life story makes you question “leaning in” but also captures the need to bring more women onto a mentoring platform. We got the vote in 1920 but we still get the shaft.”

  Gail M. Romero, CFRE

  CEO, Collective Changes – Mentoring Women Globally to Build Business and Jobs

  “Where Sheryl Sandberg may have opened the lid of Pandora’s Box with Lean In, Jennifer Gilhool has been living inside the Box for years. Sandberg shines a flashlight on the issues and challenges for professional women in today’s workplace, but Gilhool drags them out of the box and into the full light of day.

  Jennifer combines keen analytic skills and the sensibilities of a working mother and spouse. She bares her soul and raw feelings in her daily fight to create the delicate balance between the often-conflicting demands of work, of family and of being true to herself – in a world where the deck is still heavily stacked against women who just want to be themselves.

  Gilhool’s words and poignant images will leave you breathless and wanting more . . . more of her unique ability to describe the struggle that too many women still face today – and that too many of us men still allow to endure. Read this book. It will wake you up and move you to action.”

  Bob Kantor

  Executive Coach, Kantor Consulting Group, Inc.

  Dedication

  I am fortunate to be surrounded by wonderful women and men. But without the two men who have been the predominant forces in my life, I would never have come to this point in my journey. A point where I am beginning to feel my feet underneath me again.

  For my father and my husband and, of course, the three Defectors, who bring me more happiness than I deserve.

  Autobiographies are only useful as the lives you read about and analyze may suggest to you something that you may find useful in your own journey through life.

  - Eleanor Roosevelt

  Table of Contents

  Author’s Note

  Prologue

  Part One: An American Family Moves to China

  Part Two: The Unravelling

  Part Three: Unravelled & Nearly Broken

  Part Four: Leaning In & Moving On

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  Author’s Note

  I never expected to share my story. I also never expected to move to China. But, I did move to China with a husband, three children and a dog. I also wrote a blog to “journal” our family’s adventures and keep our families at home up to date on their grandchildren, cousins, nieces and nephew.

  Family and friends shared my postings with their friends and families and so on. Then, Sheryl Sandberg published Lean In. Some commentators criticized Ms. Sandberg for suggesting that women needed to do more to “lean in” to their careers. Others suggested Ms. Sandberg was ignoring the “sticky floor.” And, some even suggested that Ms. Sandberg didn’t have standing to enter the discussion because she was “too” successful and has “too many” resources at her disposal to be credible on the issue of women and equality in the work place.

  Odd. Sheryl Sandberg lacking standing to tell her story because she is too successful. Okay, I thought, if that is the case, then maybe I should tell my story. I’m no Sheryl Sandberg. But I did lean in, long before the term was coined.

  Gloria Steinem said any movement takes at least 100 years and we are only 50 years into the feminist movement. So, with this in mind, I decided to share my story. Why? Because I have daughters and nieces and I hope to have granddaughters one day. I also have a son and nephews and, if I am lucky, I may even get a grandson someday.

  My story is one of an ordinary woman who moved her family to China for her career, saw her career implode and, with it, her life — or so she thought. This story is told as it unfolded through the actual blog posts. It is unvarnished. I decided not to self-censor because I wanted to share the raw emotions associated with trying to balance the competing priorities of home and career, as well as the roadblocks that I set for myself and those set for me by others.

  It is my story. Perhaps, it is our shared story.

  Prologue

  The Beginning

  Well, it isn’t really the beginning. Maybe it is the middle. I want it to be the end.

  When I wake up each night at 3 a.m., all I can think about is tequila. I don’t even like tequila, actually. Still, the only thought running through my head is the mixture of pills and tequila. How many shots of tequila will it take to down all the painkillers, sleep aids and other assorted prescription pills in the house to guarantee myself a nice long sleep? As I stare at the ceiling, this same
loop runs over and over in my head. Is that disturbing?

  When I board a plane for a business trip, I calculate the benefit that my life insurance will pay if the plane crashes and I die. Then, I look around to be sure there aren’t too many children on board and that the plane isn’t full, and I silently wish for a crash. You probably don’t want to fly with me. That is disturbing, isn’t it?

  On my latest trip to Australia, I walked the Sydney Harbor Bridge several times. Was it high enough? How much would the impact with the water hurt or would it knock me out immediately? What were the chances of my falling body hitting a ferry or other vessel? Drowning seems like a bad way to go. Don’t you think?

  I didn’t share these thoughts aloud. At least, not at first. But they were there lurking in the dark. And, it was getting darker every day until one day it just became overwhelming. The man who has loved me for more than half my life intervened, asking “Do you really think I can’t hear you crying in the shower?”

  Actually, yes.

  And, so the unraveling began. The beginning.

  A Word About The Unravelling

  I wish I could say that my unravelling was simply an overreaction to a rough day or week or month at the office or that moving to China was a rougher transition than I expected, but that would not be true. I had no idea — until later — that I was actually reacting to something. It wasn’t China or work. It would be months before I would understand.

  This is the story of my coming to that understanding and being pushed to the brink by my obsessive devotion to my work and the promise of reaching ever-increasing heights within the management structure. Today, Sheryl Sandberg might say this is my story of “leaning in.” But, when I started this journey, Sheryl Sandberg and Lean In were not yet on the radar screen.

  My story is not just about leaning in at the office. It is also the story of coming to terms with my personal demons and insecurities. Everyone has them. Everyone has secrets. It’s how you handle them that often determines how things work out for you.

  This is the story of my awakening. It is the story of a woman who overcame the obstacles that clutter each of our lives and nearly lost herself in the process. It is the story of a woman who dove headfirst into her career and nearly drowned. It is the story of a woman who found herself, her purpose and her worth through that experience and the mixture of her demons with her devotion.

  It all happened just like this . . . in China.

  ________________

  Part One:

  An American Family

  Moves to China

  Shanghai skyline at night - view from the Bund in Puxi looking toward Pu Dong.

  Five For Chinese

  August 2011

  Detroit to Shanghai

  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

  ~ Confucius

  If you are flying Delta Airlines to Shanghai, a wise first step might be to the airline counter next to you. I’ve made this little journey a few times now and, while I am no Arthur Frommer, I am not a novice either. I know how weather, broken cockpit glass and flight crews beyond their flight limit can delay a flight for hours and even days. So, when I booked our family’s trip from the States to China, I insisted on a direct flight. No connections in Tokyo, Seoul or Los Angeles for my crew. I wanted a straight shot to the Middle Kingdom.

  Get ‘em on the plane just once.

  Yep. That was my plan.

  I left the States 10 weeks ago to start my new assignment with the Salt Mine in Shanghai, China. I left my husband, Jack, and our three children — Jane (13), Henry (10) and Bella (9) — and the dog, Wrigley, in the States for the summer. Two of those kids have never been on a plane and the youngest keeps asking if there are enough parachutes on board for all the passengers. (I think she has watched Leo and Kate on the Titanic one too many times.)

  Get ‘em on the plane once.

  In accordance with the terms and conditions of their international travel tickets, the traveling band of wild emotions arrived at the airport 2 hours before their scheduled departure and took up residence in the business class lounge. As luck would have it, the flight board indicated an on-time departure. Cookies and soda in hand, the gang sat down and got cozy with their iPads.

  Right on schedule, they were called to the gate only to be turned back around instantly. A water leak. The nervous 9-yearold must have been conjuring images of Leo on that fated cruise because she unleashed her very own gusher. Certain this meant disaster, she insisted on a parachute count before she would step foot on that plane! Cookies. Dad’s best hope was more cookies.

  Nearly 2 hours later, they were called to the gate again and this time they made it on-board. For first-time flyers, business class isn’t bad and the kids’ nerves began to ease as their attention turned to the seat features, dining options and movie selections. Dad just wanted his pre-flight cocktail that wasn’t coming, which made him nervous. Sure enough, Dad’s cocktail delay was telling. The passengers were de-planed.

  Get ‘em on the plane once.

  First, the good news. The 9-year-old had moved from tears to anger. The bad news, it took another hour before they would get on the plane again and . . . then get off the plane, again.

  Yep, get ‘em on the plane once.

  The third time did the trick and when they were finally on the plane, they were stuck there. As in stuck on the plane, sitting at the gate, for 3 hours. The airline had altered the flight route. So, of course, this required more fuel. Fuel adds weight and, naturally, the plane was now overweight. Needing a diet, cargo was removed from the belly of the beast. As would be expected, that left the plane unbalanced. A careful and thorough balancing process ensued until, finally, the plane was cleared for takeoff.

  The flight was not much better. No cocktails, soggy chicken nuggets, and unfriendly service. Now on the plane, they just wanted off. Eight hours later than scheduled, it landed in Shanghai.

  Now, we just need to get the dog here . . .

  Dog Gone Shanghai . . .

  August 2011

  Shanghai

  Well, you may have heard by now that our dog racked up the frequent flier miles. Depending on the story, and it changes daily, Wrigley has flown from the States to Amsterdam and back, and then on to China. He arrived here on the 18th or 19th of August, again depending on the story.

  Along his travels, his paperwork was lost. And if the Chinese love anything, it’s their paperwork. Thus, Wrigley remains confined at the airport. He has not cleared customs and is in quarantine. This is the worst possible scenario.

  On the bright side (and it isn’t all that bright), the Salt Mine’s Government Affairs and Human Resources departments deployed the full force of their networks to free Wrigley. I fully expected a march to be organized and t-shirts to appear at any minute. Thanks to this team, however, we receive pictures of Wrigley daily to verify his well-being.

  We may have been able to spring Wrigley but it would have brought unwanted attention to the “special relationship” that the Animals Away team has with customs (not that it seems so special to us). This relationship allows you to skip quarantine (not exactly skipped by us) and get your dog in 24 hours (again, not us). We did not want another family waiting the way we have been waiting, so we decided to ride it out without any special intervention.

  Our dog — without a country or passport or medical history form — is sorely missed by the gang here. We’ll send photos when we have our happy reunion with Wrigley — keep him in your thoughts. There’s a chance he has a new Chinese name by now and may no longer respond to English, but we’ll deal with that if we have to!

  Political Prisoner Freed . . .

  Political prisoner Wrigley free and home.

  Rumors are spreading like wild fire in the Shanghai, Pu Dong area that political prisoner, Wrigley, will be freed later this morning. His staunchest supporters maintained a low profile this morning, boarding buses for their schools in an effort to keep the media at bay. Meanw
hile, Wrigley’s Chief Counsel, Jack Fox, dodged cameras and refused to comment on the rumored release. Government officials could not be reached for comment.

  After 2 weeks, Wrigley is home!

  China Rocks; China Sucks

  September 2011

  Shanghai

  I have noticed a direct relationship to the amount that I swear and Notre Dame football. China has helped clean up my bad habit.

  The bad news is that I cannot watch Notre Dame football live; the good news is that I cannot watch Notre Dame football live. I checked this morning and was thoroughly disgusted. Jack’s standing in the house is on thin ice (our current coach hails from Central Michigan University, Jack’s alma mater, and if things don’t improve, Jack will take the blame).

  However, my swearing level is down to the 1988 football season low (that was the last time we won the National Championship) and I think there is a direct correlation. Sling Box be damned, I don’t want to watch . . . I think it is better for everyone that we return to glory (once and for all) over these next 3 years, while we are in China. I will avoid a heart attack, my marriage may survive and my children can learn to swear from their friends when they get back to the States!

  Now that I have that out of my system, here is your update:

  The roller coaster goes up and; therefore, it must come down. This sums up the past 2 weeks for the kids and signals that everything is on track. Jack and I were feeling good last week after having dinner and hearing how Henry stopped two goals during recess soccer, Bella made three new friends and Jane’s drama teacher was so cool that Jane decided to try out for the school play. Feeling good about ourselves and our ability to navigate the children’s transition with such deft, we retired to the rooftop deck for a bottle of wine and some adult time.

  The hangover arrived the following morning. The same three kids have no friends, school is too hard, there is too much homework, we’ll never learn Chinese, no one talks to me or plays with me, the teachers hate me and on and on and on. Even the dog was unhappy and refused to go for the walk to the bus stop — China is just too darn loud.